the new apocalypse

the book is going mediocrely.

this has been a bad week.
the only person I know who's had more beer than my sister this week is my dad.
he's in bad shape.
goodbye uncle john.
I wish that writing could be a salve tonight,
but even Ben GIbbard fails me.
now having lived through watching someone die
to the point that I couldn't come back.
but why? Aren't we all dying?
I guess I'm just bitter that hoping and praying are futile.

I'm listening to a CD which is a soundtrack not to any film, but to an imaginary life
only in my head and which is very dramatic.

passion, pride, purity, pursuit, power, punching, passing, partying.
beautiful places, average people, ugly places, beautiful people.
perhaps only contrast.

it's my birthday.
and I'm not ready to cut it off with sleep
as though insomnia were my suprehuman power to still the rotation of earth.
grrrrrrr!! I strain to roll back my eyelids.

to forsee.

perhaps I am impaired.

But I believe that I have just envisioned the future.

According to the vision: I will not get a PHD.

Ok.

Heavy.

I will be a builder like never before there was one.

Heavy.

the future of...forestry.

I just applied for a job as a grunt with a green-builder in chapel hill.

I'd love a job I could believe in and learn from.

by the way, check out the band Future of Forestry

PSIII

I would use an expletive, but the only person who may ever know that this post exists has probably already heard it, and will likely be reading this in the same room as the one in which his young children are amusing themselves with reading or intellectual board games.

So, I'll just describe myself as disappointed. Not despondent, or depressed, but certainly alienated and disenfranchised.

snead

like how even cardboard has a smell.

papers

I'm not quite sure yet,
but I think I'm an antifederalist.
not a libertarian.
never was.
but I think I'd have voted anti-federalist
if I'd been alive 220 years ago.

buddhist crucifix

crazy, I'm sure.
but I'm trying my darndest
to get feeped up
on green tea.

season opener

If I have idols in my life, they are:

myself
my wife
-and her exquisite figure
intellectualism
-thomas jefferson
-francis bacon
-john locke
-etc.
the beach
music
more of myself